I'm struggling.

It's been a bit since I've really written down my feelings. I've been struggling for a bit now and I haven't really told anyone and in not sure how to bring it up. 

Last week my wife with for Gastric Bypass Surgery and I'm proud of her for doing it. It was her choice to make and she did. It is a life style change for us all now and that is ok. I want her to succeed in this and be healthy for herself and our children. But that is where the struggle comes in. 

I'm feeling lost because I can't help her take away her pain, the children don't listen, I'm stressed out about school, my bussiness, life and honestly I've had the urge and dreams of drinking. I won't let that happen, but it's there. I honestly don't know how much more I can take before it all boils over. 

I am trying to hold it all together, but honestly I'm just feeling lost and I don't know what to do. People say talk to my wife, talk to my kids, talk talk talk. That is all I do now. I talk, I raise my voice in frustration, I walk away in silence. Nothing seems to work anymore. 

I'm just lost. I feel like I'm an invisible man or a floor that just gets walked on. I think I am about to crash. I sit and I cry in the bathroom where no one can see or hear me. I'll figure it out one day. Just hope at that point it won't be too late. 

2 wild years.

In the past 2 years I have had a lot of things happen. I've lost friends, family to cancer, lost friends to alcoholism, lost friends to suicide, I've had my own personal demons, I've tried to commit suicide myself, I've tried to walk away from my problems, I've helps friends stay sober, get clean, I've done races, trained with my kids, spent time with loved ones, walked away from others that were bringing me down and stepped out of my comfort zone and started going back to church. 

In the past 2 years I have traveled this path with people I've never met, people who have supported me and some who doubted that I could do this. My sober brothers and sisters I have to say thank you. In the past 2 years I've done things I would not have been able to do if I wasn't sober. I ran every race, did a half marathon, ran a half ironman distance race, started a business, came up with 2 more to start in the next few months, got elected to a board of directors for a local nonprofit housing corporation, became president of the local running club and am trying to work on our documentary about having Tourette Syndrome and training for an IRONMAN. 

I never know what the future will bring but I feel comfortable that I will hit it head on and take that SOB to the ground and beat it. Thank you for sticking around and helping me out. Let's make the next 365 days the best we can. 

Love you all

Chris.