15 in 2015

Well everyone is posting their resolutions and the top 3 I see are

1. Going to lose weight.
2. become a better me.
3. get a better job/career path.

So that said I figured I'd post what my 15 goals that I want to achieve in 2015. Now these are goals so what I don't achieve in 2015 I can always perfect in 2016.  

1. Become a Beachbody Coach.
2. Ride 400 km's a month, from April to Sept. 
3. Complete 6 local races.
4. Train more.
5. Eat better.
6. Finish up fundraising for my Documentary 
7. Get my Drivers Licence
8. Do something I've never done before. 
9. Smile more.
10. Read more.
11. Do 2 half marathons.
12. Complete my own personal Olympic distance Triathlon in May 2015
13. Take a photo a day of myself and one of my training. 
14. Hug my kids more, tell them I love them more (not that I don't do that enough now) and try to do one thing a week with each child in my house. 
15. Do a Middle distance (Half IRONMAN) Triathlon as a prep for my Full IRONMAN attempt in 2016. 

So that said here is to a great start of 2015 as 2014 started off pretty rough.

Oh ad a Bonus Goal:

1. Stay SOBER. 

Look back on 2014.

With 2014 almost over I sit and reflect on what has happened. I can tell you that my year was...... Well a little bit troubled I guess you could say. When I started writing this post about a month ago I was going to do it as a race recap post. I know I'm horrible at keeping up with the blogs/blogs and even life in general. But I figured I'd look back on the things that happened as they are more important than a race time or a PR.

In 2013 something happened that started 2014 off on the wrong foot. I picked up te bottle again and no I wasn't drinking every night but when ever the wife and I would go out on date night (2-3 times a month) I would drink. Could be 11 am and I'd have a drink. I started to see a pattern, and I didn't like where it was going as I've been here before. On Jan 31st 2014 I ordered a pitcher of beer and before the appetizers arrived I was done. I asked for a refill.

As I dozed off to sleep I said to myself here I go again, but will I survive this this time? February 1st I said no more and I've stuck to that promise to myself. Has it been easy? No not by any means. Will it get easier? I doubt it but I know I am stronger than the addiction that is trying to bring me back in.

In 2014 I have had allot of up's and downs. I almost relapsed a few times, I tried to kill myself (my wife found me before it was to late), I didn't think about what I was doing and almost threw it all away. But there was also more good than bad. I got in with another running group at the YMCA, I made new friends, I got into counselling, I found my calling and started planning for the next step in my life.

In the last year I've done more with myself than I have in what seems life forever. I have gone back to school, I set out a goal to do another Half marathon and beat my previous time, I stayed sober, I rode my bike more, I trained more, I spent more time with my kids and I spent more time with my family in general. 

And then I went to AA 3 months into my sobriety and it was not for me. I commend the people there and I have nothing but love for those who use and are successful on the program, but it wasn't for me. It was allot of religious stuff and praying and sadly that is not my cup of tea. I started focusing on myself and running and I found that those days where I was in a dark place I would run. 

I ran a total of 4 out of 8 local races this year and even ran a Half marathon. I didn't get any triathlons in this year as my wife hurt herself and I had to take time away from a hectic training schedule and focus on my family more. Of those 5 total races I ran I PR'd 3 of them. I ran my fastest 5k in both February and again in June and I PR'd my Half marathon time by just over a minute. If the weather was better I wold have done it by 5 minutes better. I got a message from a friend telling me I won. I was lost as I had no idea what I won. I never put my name in for anything so what did I win? I won an award for running. I was blown away because I wasn't even part of the club, or at least I didn't think I was. I was wrong. They have accepted me into their family. I was overjoyed. What a way to end my year. 

Most of all I realized that no matter how bad I think life is it is not that bad, and the outcome to rash decisions could be allot worse.

So what's Next?

In 2015 I am going to be going to take a dual credit college class on Addictions, I am looking into college to get my BAA in Psychological Behaviour, I'm going to celebrate my 1 year of sobriety with those who mean the most to me, my family, I am training for a Half Iron Distance Triathlon. I'm also fundraising to make my film of being a person with Tourette Syndrome, a recovering addict and my daily struggles of making a go at life with 2 children with mental disabilities, one having Tourette Syndrome himself and one newly finding out he has Autism. 

2015 will be another year of learning and growing in a positive way. More fitness, more family, more training and more love to be shared, but most of all...... I'm going to smile more. Happy 2015 to everyone. 

Just rambling, but anyone offer any help?

I've been thinking (I know everyone can smell it) about how I want to run my program when I get it off the ground and I want to pitch something to my friends and followers here.

As some may know I am looking at starting a Nonprofit for people who have/are going through addictions and wanted to get into Triathlons as a way to do it. One of the things I would do is as they are training for IRONMAN is give them the bike that they are going to use (providing they are sober still).

Now I have question is does anyone who works in the bike industry or has knowledge of the bike industry. Do you the companies who build bikes like Fezzari Bicycles, Trek Bicycle, Specialized Bicycles or any others have any bikes from 2 or 3 years ago that they would donate to a cause to a) Promote sober lifestyles cycling/triathlons/training, b) promote themselves in a positive way and c) well it will help rebuild someones confidence and trust in the people who they need the support from.

Anyone who can help let me know, or if you can offer some advice please let me know. Thank You in advance. 

225 Days.

Today after the Races they had a Potluck dinner for the crew. As I got there they were cracking beers and celebrating a great year. I walked in and the first thing someone does is crack a beer and hand it to me. I stood there and I looked at it for a second and I walked up to the guy and said Thanks but No thanks. 

He looked at me and said "You don't drink?"I explained to him that I am 225 days sober and that I have had a hard time and as tempted as I am I would have to decline. He told me to go grab a (soda) pop and I declined that too. I told him water for me thanks. Again he questioned why I don't drink pop and I told him I'm 2 years no pop. 

As we were sitting eating he looked across the table and said to me, “Man you are a beast, I just heard that you are running something crazy next week.” I told him about my race and my goals in the near future and he was in shock. He then understood why I was saying no to pop and the junk food.

Today I feel good that I was able to say No and enjoy myself with everyone drinking. Now to focus on next weekend, My Race. Night everyone. 

Hypocrite

As I sit here enjoying my coffee I can't help but think about that word. What does the word mean? Well we all use it. We are all one. We can't deny it. 

hypocrite

[hip-uh-krit]

noun

1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

Why am I writing about this? Last night my sister posted via my nephews Facebook that she was in control and was sick of these kids sending him messages about drugs. Should kids do drugs? No. I agree with that. There was so many comments about how everyone was so sad and disappointed at him for his choices. Which I am also. But I never once said I was sad or mad or anything. 

So why am I mad about it? Because my family have all and most still do smoke pot, shit some have done harder shit too. I know I have and I learnt from it. You can't tell a kid not to do drugs when that's all the parents do. It's like telling that kid not to smoke cigarettes and light one up as you're telling them not to do it. You think because you hide in your room or smoke it out side in the backyard it makes it better? No kids still see, smell and know what it is. 

My kids know what hell I went through and as much as I'd love to smoke pot to help with my Tourette Syndrome I don't. And of I did I wouldn't hide out in my house and stink the place out. I'd got do it on a walk in the woods. Kids are kids but when they are seeing parents smoke they just want to be like them.  

Stop the hate and become a role model. 

Volunteers: A whole new respect.

In my 34 years on this earth I have had the pleasure to volunteer in allot of places. I helped out as a young teen at the humane society working with pets, as I got older I helped out with the Metis Youth and learned leadership skills. As I got older those skills helped me get some great jobs, but my heart was always wanting to help somehow. I always found a way to volunteer a few hours when ever I could. The food bank, snowsuit drive, my kids school, the Clean up day or the YMCA, what ever it was I always gave it my all.

Yesterday as I was helping out at a water station that it hit me. I love to volunteer and if it wasn't for volunteers the amazing things in the world that we take for granted would probably never get done. We don't realize how many hard working people there are working behind the scenes who are there because they love what they do and do it for fun. Some people don't really think that Stress is fun but when you are there and see the smiles on the faces of the people that are receiving whatever it is that they are provided it is amazing. Wither it be reading to a child at the sick kids hospital, helping out at the local soup kitchen or like me, handing out water it is amazing to see the gratefulness in it all.

Last month I had a few of my children out handing out water to the runners at the local triathlon, and the runners "who are racing each other" would stop and thank my kids or coming out and making their days. It was amazing to see this and it really made me appreciate what we were doing. When I ran my 10 km race I didn't really think abut it. When I ran my half I thought "these guys are just insane to stand out here for hours to had out water." and yesterday I stood in heavy rain to had out water and realized yes we are crazy.

In closing I love to run races and since moving to Brockville I am run more races but I have helped out allot more and I love it. I want to say Thank You for all of the volunteers who take time away from their families, friends, and life to make every event a success. You all rock.

Catching Corvettes.

While out riding this afternoon I was climbing a overpass and had a man in a Corvette honk and than pass me. It bugged me allot and after being honked at a few times this summer, I finally had enough and I felt I should give him a piece of my mind.

Maybe it was the adrenaline, my Tourette's or my wanting to say I caught a Corvette but I set out to catch him. On the down slope I kicked it into high gear and almost had him at a red light. He got a green and a car got between us before I could catch him. He had a corner and I pushed hard and then the light turned green. When I approached the next set of lights and knew that the next set was red.

He gets half way down the road before he was stopped by traffic and I pulled into the other lane and apple bed and asked him why he deemed it necessary to honk at me and pass close by? He said that he honked to "let you know I was passing" I told him that is the worst idea to do. He asked why? I said

"You honk at a cyclist scare them or catch them off guard and they look back hit a pothole and fall, where are they going to end up? Under your car and than you're on the book for damages or death. If you want to let a cyclist know you're passing them, give them 3' and pass in the other lane."

He apologized and followed me for another 2 blocks and passed me and waved and yelled sorry again. Wasn't an asshole cyclist and followed the rules but was happy that he wasn't a hot head driver either. Please know that when you are out driving and you see a cyclist to give them enough room (3 feet in more provinces/states) for you to safely pass. 

Thank You from Cyclists who follows the rules. 

Tomorrow I run far.

I’ve mapped out my run and I am going to run hopefully 20 km’s tomorrow morning. I’ve got the route mapped out, water ready, and weather looks good.

I just hope that I will be ok. Part of my tics is snapping my neck, which i think has lead to me having 2 compressed discs in my neck, and arthritis too.

But I am not going to let that stop me. I have a race to run and I need to train. Tourettes or not, I'm going to recreate this picture. 

Someone asked me "Why?"

Not to long ago I was talking with a lady at a community BBQ about my wanting to do an IRONMAN and she asked me,

"Why? Why would you want to put your body through that?"

Without batting an eye I remembered an article I read by CBC and said:

"Every night there are approximately 30,000 people who are homeless in canada, 50,000 are hidden homeless meaning that they couch surf and or live where they are not to be. I was once one of those numbers and I want to show them and the world that they can overcome anything."

She smiled and said that was awesome, and I do have to agree. It is awesome that I made it out alive, I made it off the streets, I made it to show others. But I honestly wouldn't have if I never got the opportunity in the first place.

And this is where I need your help. I need your help to give me the opportunity to show the world that because someone was once homeless shouldn't limit their abilities to dream big and reach their goals. When I reach my goal to pay for my IRONMAN I will donate the rest to Operation Come Home. They gave me the opportunity to become a better person by helping me get off the streets and into a better place in my life.

So please help me help them help others. Let me run an IRONMAN to raise money for them. Please donate below on the link. Thank You for believing in me and helping me help others.

 I've always said that for those who helped me when I was at my lowest without judgement would somehow be repaid in full. Now I want to do something to repay a great charity.

 "I’ve had a hard life so this is just another stepping stone" ~ Chris Emslie from KeepTriing

Please Click the link below to donate anything you can to help me reach my goal.

http://www.dreamfuel.me/athletes/98/campaigns/54

I feel like....

I feel like I'm slipping. 

I feel like I'm falling. 

I feel like I'm head down. 

I feel like I'm pushing so hard. 

I feel like I'm going backwards. 

I feel like I'm off. 

I feel like I'm failing. 

I feel like I can't keep it up. 

I feel....... LOST. 

A plan is in the works.

So I wanted to do an Olympic distance triathlon this year but due to my wife being injured and immobile I was spending more time helping out at home and I couldn't really swim at 3am in the local pool. So I reluctantly pulled out of my training. Well the wife is mobile-ish now I am going to start training for my own personal Oly distance triathlon on Oct 4-5.

I will do the 1500 meter swim in the pool at the YMCA of Brockville and Area and will map out a 40 km bike route and a 10 km run route. I will need the support of my fans, community and friends to help me get this done.

Anyone who is local to Brockville who would like to run or bike with me on this would be great. I don't know what the weather is going to be like but rain, sleet, snow or a polar vortex is not going to stop me. I am set to do this. I am also looking for someone who may be able to film some stuff for me while doing this that would be awesome.

Thanks in advance everyone.

Chris.

I did it..... Oh Crap.

Two years ago I was on pace to run one of the biggest races of my life. I was going to run a Half Marathon. Not just any Half marathon but the Army Half Marathon. Now if you are not familiar with the Army Run it is a great run put on by the Canadian Army and the proceeds go to programs to help wounded Soldiers and their families. 

Anyways 2 years ago I was training hard and buggered up my back. I was sidelined and was worried that I was not going to run the race. After almost a month off of all exercise I was able to see a Dr who told me it was a deep muscle pull and to take some Robaxacet. I did and within 2 days I was back to normal. I was behind and knew I needed to get my ass in gear and run. 

I started off with a slow 5k and ran every day. Sometimes adding a km to each day Sundays were my long days and I would run 12 km the first Sunday and the second Sunday I ran 18 km with Smiley as my water pack mule. I ran 10 km's every day until Friday before my race and that was my taper time. 3 days should be good.

Sunday came and I was in awww with the crowd, the tanks, the runners, the everything. It was cold. I was in shorts and my Prescott Pacers shirt and I was pumped to run. I started running with Joe and we ran for the first 10 km's pretty good. He left and I kept running. At km 15 I started to get tired and the cheer of the cadets really boosted my moral.

I ran harder and was set to break my goal of a 2:40 finish when BAM, I hit that wall like a brick truck. I started to walk, I had to pee and was just busting at the seams. I ran into the Port-A-Potties and as I exited my legs were heavy. I didn't want to go but I knew I had to. I started running again, slowly but I was running. I came around the corner and there was Joe waiting for me. it was km 19. He told me that this was the time to dig deep and run. I did. I ran my ass off and well I crossed the finish line far better than I thought I would. 2:30:27.0

Since then I have had a love hate relationship with running. I love to get out but I have hurt myself a week after running the half. I tore the muscles in my calf andsoon after found out that I have arthritis in my left knee. I pretty much gave up on running. But I still try, I still want to run, I still gave it what I could and today I did something I was not sure if I should or could do again. Today I signed up for the Half Marathon. 

Now it's time to train and set a new goal. This goal is to run this years Army Half Marathon in 2:20:00 or better. Now it is time to train and earn my 2014 Army Run Shirt and redo this picture. 

Going fricken stir crazy.

Why you may be wondering? Well a few weeks ago I was riding my bike and it felt that I had a flat. I would fill it up to the proper psi and it still felt like I was riding on a flat. Went to the LBS and he said everything felt normal. That's when I noticed the bludge on the sidewall. Thinking I could just swap out tires I stripped the tires and grabbed the ones from my old road bike. They don't fit. 

  

I had to go back and order tires for the bike which will take about a week to 2 depending on the order going in. So I've got No wheels for another week or so means no open road rides with the group on these nice warm days. No riding during the weekends because of my kids classes I teach. I don't want to just be stuck to the spin bikes for the next 2+ weeks until I can get everything done. Grrrrrrrrrr. 

Anyways I can't be to upset as I have some great running partners who help me keep pace when needed. Love having my kids to run/bike with me when I take them to school. Going to keep it up and use them to help me train for this years triathlon. 

A bit of a rant.

Something that just burns me happened to me today. I am bike less for the next week so instead of stopping my kids from riding their bikes I run along with them.

Today I ran to school and on my way home I was passed by a guy riding his Mtn bike hand less & smoking a cigarette. As he passed me he blew smoke in my face and flipped his smoke just in front of me. I yelled out at him and he flipped me off. So I picked up my pace a bit and let my Tourette's come out a bit and cursed his ass out.

Just pisses me off that people would just do shit like that. But I did get in almost 2 km running.

Today was an amazing day.

Today was a good day. Today I'm 108 days sober, I got to hang out with the bike gang this morning, and I got new shoes (and even got them on sale), I played around a bit and BBQ'd enough to feed an army. 

All in all it was a great day except the fact that I don't have a bike for min a week. Had to order in my tires as they are specialty ones. $60 later I just want to get back on the road.

My Day Off.

Today is going to be Very long day. I have been up since 5am to the sounds of the rain falling. I have to teach soccer at 10, My regular IRONTOTS & IRONKIDS classes and find 90 mins to spin my ass off for yesterdays missed workout. Come home at 3:30 have supper be back at the YMCA for 5:30 to splash around in a pool for 2 hours for the Youth Night they run there. By the time I get home I'm looking at 12 hours today. Going to be Awesome.

81 days.

So 81 days ago I realized that I need to stop drinking and I did. I was going to post yesterday but I was in Ottawa looking at some very expensive bikes which I happened to break one worth $3500. Thankfully I didn't have to pay for it. 

In the last 80 days I have had allot if ups and downs and I know that they are going to keep happening but I need to learn to deal with them. I am going to be begging  for more help. I have asked and have gotten no where. 

It's amazing how that happens. Someone needs help and they say "Sure make an appointment and we will help you." I make an appointment and we make a plan of action and nothing. I go back and ask again and nothing. 

So I will take it into my own hands and get the help needed. I'm a fighter and I will make it out of this and onto the other side. I have shut down my Facebook and logged out of my tumblr (since I can't deactivate it and plan to go back there). I am keeping my G+, here, blogger and Fitocracy as I need some connections with the outside world. 

While I'm offline I'll be working on the kids triathlon that I'm planning, my trip across Canada and myself, my family and my writing. Time to start the book I guess. 

It's time to tell you all a story.

How is it that we are able to stay so strong in the face of Adversity? Tragedy? Hardship? How is it that we are able to stay strong in the times of Mental distress? When we feel like we are at bottom? When we are alone?

Last week I started to dig around into my past and it has brought up allot of pain for me. Not allot of people know this but when I was younger I was put into foster care for years. During that time I was sexually abused many times, between 3 group homes and foster homes. I was young and didn’t know any better and did what I needed to do to be accepted. I never knew it was really wrong at the time. When I found out I felt dirty. I tried to hang myself because of the shame I felt.

When I finally felt the need to tell someone it was the wrong person, they also took advantage of me too. This happened for many years and when I was 13I finally told the right person. It was after I was gang raped by 4 boys in the group home. I told Armelle and she helped me, she got me in contact with the right people, she called the police, she helped me through allot.

I moved home and never felt like I belonged. I just shut down completely. I have never been the same since. I went to court and was preparing for trial but before we could get there 2 of the boys that were charged took full responsibility for it and were convicted. Armelle helped me get into counseling. I would talk to her all the time after I moved out of the group home. I remember calling her one day at work and was told that she was not going to be around anymore.

I got a call a few months later saying that she passed away. I was devastated, lost, empty, lost, confused and perplexed. I remembered the good times with Aremelle, like sitting there in the house watching the Blue Jays win the pendent both years, sitting there as she yelled profanities at the ump through the TV, I remember her putting up with us listening to Guns & Roses as loud as the ghetto blaster (boombox) we had would go. But I think the best memory I have was when we all thought it would be cool to be like the ninja turtles and we had cheese pizza and added PP&J and parmesan cheese to it, and when we puked so badly she just sat back and said “I told you so.”

I went to her funeral and that was the time I really felt anything. I was broken, I lost my best friend. No one really knew. Things just went on. School would continue, life would just be there. I was bounced between my mother and step-fathers places and one day I ran into one of the boys who attacked me on a regular basis. I had turned to drugs again at that point, I tried to commit suicide again, the pain of everything as getting so intense again.

I had to move away to get away from the pain. I just kept going. I kept moving. I never settled down. I would stay with my real dad for a few years; I would live on my own for a bit, with friends here or there, in the woods, on the streets, where ever I could go to get away from it. I have never dealt with the pain of what has happened to me when I was younger.

For the last 20 years I have just pushed it off to the side, run from it, not stop long enough to let it settle in. Last week it all came crashing down. I started to think about what happened. I started to research what options I had to sue the people who hurt me, the group homes, and child services. I got overwhelmed and have had a hard time since to just function.

I have gotten to the point as of late to just shut down, shut off and just shut out everyone and everything. I am going to take a break from social media and focus on getting me back to me and just focus on my training too. I will be shutting down my stuff but will be back when the time is right.

With that said I will see everyone on the other side of this rough patch. With much love, respect and trust I will see you all later.

Sincerely,
Chris.

And the results are.....

As my followers know I've been having some issues with my neck for sometime and I've finally been able to get something done about it. 

Last week I went for an MRI on my neck and today when I took my daughter to talk to our Dr I asked if she had my results back yet. She told me to give her a minute and went to look over them. 

Upon her return she said she had some good and bad news. The good news is that there is no breaks or sever damage to my neck. The bad news is that My C1-C2 and C3-C4 are partially compressed which is causing the pain in the neck (insert laughter here) and causing the numbness in my left hand. 

From here we will just play it out and as I get older we will take steps to prevent further damage. Until that time I'm told I need to get neck massages, and just get comfortable with pillows and a new bed.

Photo is not mine it was borrowed from http://sumerdoc.blogspot.ca/

Another day Done.

So today is Day 50. I've had up's and downs throughout this last 50 days. I know I will have many more but I am only thinking about today. And today was fun, I have been feeling good for the last few days. Someone said to me yesterday

"I think doing things like that as well as setting all those fitness goals is very amazing and inspiring and they are a bit like self therapy and I think keeping that up would go a long way in helping stay positive as well as stay away from bad habits like drinking."

That got me thinking and I realized it is true. When I Volunteer and help out it puts those bad habits away and it makes me get out and kick my addiction and depression in the ass when I get to see the smiles of the kids faces as they are loving the programs I am running.

So with that said 50 days and Counting. 

~ Chris

Time to make a new plan.

Today I had to go get an MRI on my neck. I have been having issues for I will post my almost 3 years after my accident where I was doored when riding my bike. I asked my old Dr for help and was told that it was because I wear a heavy helmet as I am a cyclist.

Last week my MRI was ordered and today I had it done. I hope that something will show up on it to tell me what is wrong. I have been modifying my workouts due to the pain in my neck and wait for the results so I can know what is really gong on in my neck, But I'm not going to let this stop me from training which I will start on the 31st of March. I will be working out a plan to follow like I did last year when I trained for my Sprint Triathlon.

Today when I was at my Appointment I made a stop to see a friend whom I have not seen in 12 years. It was awesome to sit and talk for a few minutes and just catch up. When I lived in Kingston we would sit downtown and just talk for hours and shot the shit. It as awesome. I do miss it and am happy that we are still friends and we were able to find each other after many years of looking.

I feel like I have come a long way but I know I am far from where I want to be. On Tuesday I posted a photo that has garnered allot of attention. 4 years ago I started this weight loss journey and I lost 100 pounds. I had some stumbling blocks and shortfalls, but I never gave up until the winter of 2012/13 when I was injured. I put allot of weight back on because of injuries, surgeries and depression.

 Well today my friend told her coworkers how far I have come and had my picture up before I could even get it from my own photos on my phone. Needless to say I felt awesome but a bit embarrassed at the same time. I have come a long way but I am not finished yet. I will become the guy I was before but this time I will be sober and there will be hard work to thank not the drinking and drug use to attribute to my weight loss.

Happy St. Paddy's Day.

With today being the day to get stupid drunk, Wear A "Kiss Me I'm Irish" T-Shirt, Do something stupid like punch a cop and blame it on the alcohol and drink like you're Irish, I am sober. 

The only Green Thing I am drinking today is Green Tea. I have seen allot of stuff on social media sites about how people were drunk at non. I remember being there and I am thankful I am not these days. I hated waking up green or puking up green. 

But today I did eat something green and healthy and I loved it. Broccoli stuffed Chicken, Mixed Veggies and Green Tea too. But I want to say that for all of those who are out partying please drink responsibly, and do not drive. Take a cab, public transit or walk.

Happy 44 Days to me, and Happy "everybody pretend we're Irish and drink beer" day.

40 Days.

They say it gets easier. I wonder when? These last 40 days have been so hard. I know this battle will be lifelong and I am a warrior, but some days I wonder if it would be better to just say "Fuck it" and just drink myself stupid.

I know that is not the answer, and I'm not looking for anything or anyone to tell me that. I know that it's not right and I just need to vent somedays. 

Today was not the easiest and I wanted to drink, but I didn't and I'm sober for another day. #40Days #sober and counting. 

Last night as Rough.

So I went to bed with the intentions of getting up at 4:30 and head to spin class. I was not feeling well both physically and mentally and when I went to bed I still felt off. My attitude was off and my wife saw it too.

So I went to bed and she came up a bit later and I was still awake. I rolled over and went to sleep. I started dreaming about class and how I was leading a group of Triathletes out on an open road 180 km ride. I was the main teacher working with people who wanted to Iron(we)men.

We were out riding and we stopped to get a drink and some breakfast and it turned into night and we were at a bar with the group and playing pool. I said to my friend that I need to get out of there and as I walked out the door some alarm went off. It was like I won a prize, so I stopped. I asked what was up and the owner of the bar said that I was their 1 millionth customer and that if I would take the special shot I could have my choice of $100,000 of cash or a car.

I needed the cash so I sat there. I called my dad and he said that a hundred grand is awesome but would throwing away 14 years of sobriety be worth the money? I called others who said that I could just do one shot and get away without any issues. I knew that was not true and I sat there.

The bartender poured me a shot. it was something like Fireball but intensified 100 times. I sat there I smelled it and it had to smell, i looked at it for what seemed hours and I took it and put it to my lips and just as I knocked it back I woke up.

I was sweating and knew I needed to think of something else. It was 2:30 in the morning. I couldn't get back to sleep until after 3 am and when I went back to sleep I was riding my bike hard and climbing a mountain chasing the leader for my first Ironman win, and I had the person I've missed the most with me. My little brother Lee. We were the power team to compete.

So needles to say I didn't get up fr spin class this morning as I couldn't get out of bed. That kind of turned out to be a good thing as I am working on the kids triathlon at the local YMCA and I needed to focus on that today. I am going to be volunteering my time there and maybe one day take over the IronKids/Tots programs and start to make my dream of working as a Triathlon coach come true.

Today's the day.

So I've mentions that I'll be meeting with a therapist. Well after months of dealing with this shit in my life I'm finally going to meet with a therapist. From what I've been told she is a pretty good Dr and an all around nice person. 

I'm a bit nervious about opening up and spill out for her to judge me. As odd as that sounds. I don't know where to start with her, I don't know what to say first, do I pack a bag now so that way my wife will not have to worry if they keep me forever?

I have so much going on right. Is that I've just thrown myself into training and planning the kids triathlon and I'm trying to focus on that to try and forget about my issues. I hope that they let me come home so I can continue to work on these things. 

I hope that I can get back to this guy who at one time. I liked being happy and full of energy. One day I will. 

Anyways I'm off to shower and meet my new therapies and hopefully come home and take my wife out for lunch. Here's to hoping to see you all on the flip side. I'll let you all know what happens. 

~Chris 

Don't let the fog swallow you.

Yesterday morning I was feeling great. I felt like I had a pep in my step. Made breakfast, had my coffee and I worked on reading my book. Than it hit me. I couldn't see anything. I lost sight of my motivation, my goals, my happiness.

It continued into last night and I didn't sleep well. I have been having a rough go with this and yesterday meeting with me Doctor didn't help. I just feel like I'm being swallowed by the Fog of Depression and it sucks.

I saw this post yesterday and it says everything that I feel. I don't feel as if this is draining me of everything but it is doing allot of damage because I can't figure it all out. I feel like one day my life will be better but I wonder how long it will take to get there? and what I am going to lose along the way?

I do know that no matter what just ,don't let the Fog swallow you. Keep dreaming, Keep pushing, Keep Triing.

WARNING: The following is a video from Five Finger Death Punch. It contains trigger warnings but it should be watched. by everyone. 

Chris

What has happened this week.

Hey everyone it is like 2 am as I write this post. I should be getting ready to go run a 5 km race at 10 am but I can't sleep. 

So this week I was feeling depressed about the way stuff in my life is going. I was not feeling suicidal but just depressed. So I called the mental crisis line and told them what was going on. They told me that maybe I should check into the hospital and I agreed. 

I went and I talked to a man there whom I opened up to and told him allot. I've never told people allot about my personal life and this was some deep shit I laid on this poor guy. After talking for over an hour we came up With a plan. 

I have a meeting next week with my family Dr to talk about my test results (that's another post) and my new theripist on Friday. We agreed that I should go home so I can make it to these appointments. 

Over the last 2 says I have been feeling pretty good. I've gotten a hair cut. 

I've gotten some new clothes. 

And now I've got a race to run. Guess I need to get so we sleep but it's hard as of today, but gotta do what you got to do. Night everyone and I'll let you all know how the race went. 

Tonight I almost slipped off the wagon.

Hi my name is Chris and I'm an alcoholic. 

As fun as tonight was, when we went for dinner I was looking at the pitchers of beer. I knew I wanted one and it was hard to say No. I did because I need to keep strong and in the right mindset. 

We go to at pool and I ask for an ice tea. That's all I drank tonight and they don't sell any. Ok my options are beer, beer, more beer, a small assortment of shots, or more beer. I ask if they have coffee? Nope. So I asked for water and went to play more pool. 

Was it hard? Damn rights it was hard. My wife sat and drank all night and I didn't. Did I make the right choice? I sure as hell hope so. Am I going to regret it in the morning? NOPE. 

I'm going to bed sober and not going to let my judgement be clouded by the feelings of booze. 

Oh and we tied at 3 games each.