The update.

"I am strong and I will overcome those demons that are trying to pull me under."

~ Chris H

Thank you everyone. You will never know what it means to me, but it means so much.

I'm Alive.

Well last night I made some very stupid and rash decisions. I was sitting at the edge of the southernmost point of the island thinking if I jump will anyone miss me? Than I thought of my kids crying, wondering where their father was. I didn’t.

Instead I walked for hours. I walked over the tunnel that I ran over when I finished my Triathlon. It was something I never thought I would be able to do. I walked to the trail and remembered the cheers of other runners; I walked to the park where we had our first family outing when we moved here. I just walked. I walked so much and in such a daze that when I got home my shoes were so wet that they are still soaked this morning.

I get home and something just set me off again. I get changed and left again. This time I went and sat in Tim Horton’s and had a coffee and just tried to stop the thoughts of hate and self harm in my head. I messaged my dad and had some other friends talk to me to help me.

I went to the hospital and asked for help. To which I was told that if I wanted help I need to wait until the morning or should have been there before 11pm. No questions were asked just told to wait. I went to leave and saw an old friend.

We talked for about 20 minutes in the waiting room of the ER and I left. I called my wife and talked to her. I got home and just sat here trying to figure out why I am feeling like this. I went to bed with the idea of getting up and getting the help needed.

I feel like I don't really have anyone. I don't, I have no family, I have no one. My dad can talk to me but he is not even around. He is with his wife who has made a very good point that no matter what happens I am not welcome. My family is nowhere near me, I don't talk to my mother, brothers, and my other family is on the west coast and I can't do shit to be with them. I am just lost. 

The first thing I did was wake up roll over and grabbed the phone and called my Doctor. I then got up, made coffee and looked up the number for the mental health line and called. Now I am going to go talk to my doctor and ask for a referral and just come home and veg out listening to music and maybe write a story of how Icebergs are going to destroy mankind in 2731.

Yeah the mind of a fucked up man thinks about stories he can write to tell his kids or the world. Have a great week everyone.

Chris.

New Years Resolution

So as this year is coming to an end its time to look back on my goals for 2013. My goals were:

• Get in shape
• Run a sub 30 5k
• Complete my sprint triathlon
• Ride a century
• Run more
• Eat less
• Be a better person
• Get my license
• Deal with my legal stuff

There is a few more but I can’t remember at this time. How many of them did I reach? Well like everyone else I started strong. Ate right for the first few weeks and then to went to shit. I didn’t run much in 2013; in fact I have run more in the last 3 weeks than I have all year. After finding out that I have Osteoarthritis and told by my Doctor to not run I took time off. I rode my bike lots. I trained in other ways for my triathlon. I was on par to do another century ride (first one of 2013) and as we were on our way back to town I heard a snap and grinding. I slowly rode to my father-in-laws and he gave me a ride home. I was just 23 km’s short of 100 km’s I could have made it but the safety of both my bike and I were more important.

I didn't get my license but I did get my legal stuff worked out (for the most part) It took all year but I got it done, and now I can go get my license and not worry about losing it right away. I bike everywhere anyways so it is ok.

What are my resolutions for next year? Well first thing is I hate the word “Resolutions”. It is a goal there is no real difference between that other then the mental stigma that everyone will fail at their “resolutions”.

I have seen so many New Year’s Resolution posts going up all over social media sites as of late, and It got me really thinking (that can be scary at times, but this time it was good) about what I want to achieve in 2014. I wondered what I should make mine? Everyone I see is to get fit, lose weight, or to quit smoking.

I noticed that the majority of them are trying to do what they didn't last year. The problem is that people put some crazy limitations on their goal. Those who want to lose 140 pounds by summer to fit into that swimsuit are a bit far fetched.

If you were to say want to lose 140 pounds by June 1st (5 months) you would need to lose just over 6 pounds a week and that is not healthy. If you plan to try and drop large amounts of weight in a short period of time you need to talk to and be supervised by your Doctor.

I follow by the motto of “It took me 10 years to put it on it is not going to go away in a week.” I know that if I work at it my goals are achievable. I will not make promises to lose 6 pounds a week. It is Impossible to follow that plan for a long period o time and be healthy about it.

My new year’s resolution main goal will be just one thing for me. It will be to stay sober and stay strong. That is it. I will make goals to strive for thou. Some will be the same as last year but there are a few new ones too.

• Vlog more
• Read more
• Run more
• Swim more
• Bike more
• Train harder
• Train smarter
•  Run a sub 30 5k
• Finish a half sub 2:20
• Lose weight properly
•  Gym more
• Stress less
• Take a picture a day. 
• Give back what I can
•  Finish my upgrading

These are just off the top of my head. There will be more to come soon but for the time being this is what I will set as achievable goals.

So in the New Year what are you going to do? What is your goal going to be? Are you going to reach them? If so do you have a plan? I want to hear it. Comment below so we can look back on this in 6 months.

#BackTheFight

Everyone has their cause that they support, cancer, autism, multiple sclerosis, MADD, GLADD, the list could go on. We always pick them for some reason very close to us. I have always said that if I could help out an organization that helped me I would. Well I now it is time.  

I am not financially stable enough, so I can’t go out and give $500,000 to a cause. But what I can do is raise awareness to something that can be changed. My story is one of pain, suffering, despair, and salvation. Here is my story and why I chose the #BackTheFight.

When I was 10 I was in and out of various foster homes and would run away and sleep on the streets. I remember in 1991 I was living in a park with 2 other youth. We did some things that I feel horrible about now. One of the kids had a tent that he stole and we would go and try to steal food. Some days we were so hungry and other days we feasted like kings.

There was nothing for us, nowhere to go but back to the abuse that we all tried to escape in the first place. We were arrested and placed right back in the care and abused/beaten for taking off in the first place. I was 11 years old and knew that things needed to change. I tried to change it but I couldn’t get the help. I tried to commit suicide and failed.

I was finally placed with a great foster family the Weber’s who gave me everything I could have ever asked for. I was 13 and they treated me like I was their own son. If I had my way I would have been adopted by them, but then I wouldn’t know who my father is, or my family that I have now. I wouldn’t have the story I have now.

I moved back in with my mother when I was 15 and the abuse started again. I ran away again. This time I was a bit ore street smart and started squatting in buildings as it was winter. I dropped out of school tried to get a job and hold it down being homeless, it was hard. At 16 I moved to British Columbia and stayed with my father. I went back to school and during the summer I worked hard. I played just as hard. 

At 18 I moved away on a whim and ended up being homeless again. I lived on the streets of Calgary for a few months and it was there that I got my first taste of someone’s generosity while being homeless. I was panhandling and someone told me that they would not give me any money but would do me one better, He took me for supper. He took me to an all you can eat restaurant and I ate so much I puked.

I traveled back and forth between my fathers and mothers place a few more times until 2000. It was at that time I was injured in a serious accident and I stopped running away (sort of) and settled down. I stayed with my dad after my accident and got my feet on the ground. I moved back to Manitoba and stayed with my mother and got a job making good money. I was selling coupons door to door. I was making over $1000 a week. I was killing it.

They offered to move me and a bunch of my co-workers to Ontario to expand the Ottawa market. I moved to London, Ontario and things were still going good. Making lots of money but I was always broke. What I was making I was spending on the booze and drugs. I moved to Ottawa and the spiral had already begun in London was in full tilt and I was crashing hard. I was able to hold it off for about 3 months and then I was done. I was homeless again.

I was living in a tent along the water, panhandling enough to get high and drunk and sometimes to eat. I was a mess. I knew I needed to change and tried to get help. I asked for treatment but needed a place first, I asked for welfare but I needed a place, I was lost. I was at my end I told a friend that I was going to kill myself my jumping off of the Alexandra Bridge. They convinced me that they had a meeting and that they wanted to talk before I did anything stupid.

I was reluctant at first and they talked me into it. I went with them and they took me to this place outside the Rideau Center mall called Operation Go Home (changed to Operation Come Home). They went into an office and 2 or 3 minutes later this man named Tom came out and stood over me. He must have been 6’6” or taller and was a large man. He looked at me while towering over me and said “So you want to kill yourself?” I denied it; He scared the living shit out of me. He took me into the office and we talked. I broke down and started crying. I opened up about it all.

Tom and Ericka were there to talk to me. They took me to the hospital and made sure I met with a Doctor who would talk to me about everything. The next day I went back to OCH at Tom’s request. He and Ericka had something in the works for me. They helped me get a place, they helped me get on assistance, and they helped me get sober. That is when I learned that they were running a writing workshop. I took advantage of it. I helped write a book, get my feeling out there, and just become a new and better me. 

It I because of OCH I got a second chance of life; It is because of OCH many youth got a second chance at life. They have arranged so many things for the youth. One of the programs they offered was to get run youth home to their families. And as the times change OCH is too. They have expanded their programs from just a drop-in center and outreach to now including schooling, outreach, drop-in and even more. Some of the programs they offer include a job center, housing help, money management, and that is just to name a few. And OCH does this all on private donations from people like you.

It is because of OCH I am able to stand here and tell you my story. I am able to take my children and tell them what daddy has endured in my life to be here for them. And because of OCH in the coming years I plan to give back one way or another. Next Christmas we will be doing Christmas dinner for not only OCH but the homeless in Ottawa. In the next 3 years I plan to ride across Canada to raise awareness of Homelessness and OCH is my reason for this. OCH is a place where you can go and feel safe.

It is because of them I will always #BackTheFight. Will you help back the fight? Go check out Operation Come Home’s website and maybe donate a cup of coffee to help others out. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this and remember to #KeepTriing and #BackTheFight.

Chris

And our worst fear has come true.

As most of you know our dear friend Cathy had knee replacement surgery last week and was told that she had cancer in her leg. They said that they got it all and would do a full scan of her.



Well today we got a call saying that she is home. My wife was out and I told her when she got home. Cathy called us after supper and told us that she was home but she had some bad news. They said that she has a rare form of cancer in her lungs. They can't treat it at all and are not sure how long she has. They're spots (about 9-12) across both lungs. They said she could be months or years.

Just remember that life could be gone in an instant. Hug those around you.

We love you Cathy.

Here is a bit of my story.

I have had a hard life but I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

I have had my problems with Alcoholism and Drugs. I have been homeless a few times in my young life. I have done things I am not proud of, but look to use it to share and inspire others. I speak what is on my mind and don’t take shit from no one anymore. I am a proud Métis person who is slowly learning about my culture. I hope to pass it on to my kids so they can grow up proud that our people (and family) who helped shape Canada to what it is. I have 6 beautiful children ranging from 4 to 13 years old. I am 33 and have battled with ADHD and Tourette syndrome for as long as I can remember.

I really hate when people ask me if I swear all the time. I look at them as say No I don’t Fucking swear all the time. Tourette’s is a disability that can be treated by medication but not cured. I hope that one day there will be a cure for it. My Tourette’s are not as bad as some people. My ticks are blinking allot, pausing when I speak, and sometimes vocal ticks and when I am stressed or nervous it comes out worse.

I have a very awesome and sexy wife who helped me sober up and showed me that there is more to life then getting High and Partying. It’s because of her that I am here. She has stuck with me in my darkest days and has taken me for me and not for what I have. She has always supported me and she was the one that pushed me to go back to school and finish my grade 12 and return to take a small business course to one day open my own bike repair shop. 

In August 2013 I completed my first Triathlon EVER. I am training to now do a full IRONMAN in about 3 years. While I am doing my training I will be recording (video) my trials and tribulations for training, of being a dad, dealing with mental issues, family, school, and all around life in our house.

In 2013 my son was diganosed with T.S, ODD and ADHD. I know it is going to be a long road ahead so I started KeepTriing to inspire others with Mental disabilities that they can do it and to also help raise money for local and National charities ranging from Childrens Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO) to Operation Come Home (OCH) and more.

In 2014 I will be participating in many races. I will be doing an six 5 km races, the 10 km Ottawa race weekend in May, an Olympic Triathlon in Aug and the Army Run Half Marathon in Sept. We will be selling t-shirts and a portion of the proceeds will be going to OCH to help homeless Youth not become homeless adults. From here on out we are just going to KeepTriing.

If you have any more questions feel free to just ask me.

Another Hard day.

Cathy and myself enjoying the
summer in 2009

I just want it to stop. I am in an ok place today but I got news of a friend who is like a mother to us. She lived across the street from us and we would play cards, cook for each other, and just help each other out. Last week she went in for a knee replacement and when they went to cut her bone it shattered.

They cleaned her up but couldn't do the surgery until they knew if it was cancer or not. Well today the results came back and it is cancer. It is Stage 2 bone cancer but the Dr said that they think they got it all. There was 2 spots that were of concern. 

Now I am not religious at all but I know that there are those out there that believe in the positive power of prayer. So please keep my friend/adopted mother Cathy in your thoughts and prayers during this hard time in her life. 

Cancers a Bitch and too many of my friends and family have had and passed away from this nasty S.O.B. 

Thank You. 

Next week I am going to get help.

I am going to go talk to someone to get help. 

I have been sober from drugs for 10 years. I have been around people who are into it and I have been able to say 

"No thanks, I'm good" 

But lately I have been fighting with my addictions allot more ever since moving here.

I know it sounds weird but watching everyone be more freely with dealing I have the urges. I want to walk up to someone and say

"Hey can I get a half?" 

I know that when I think that it will make things better I know it won't. It will destroy my family even more. I know that I am a role model to my children, those around me and those that look up to me, and to my family who even thou I am so far away they are proud of me.

In the last month it has gotten more out of hand and I would rather sit and drink and smoke and snort away my problems. I have no motivation to do anything. I don’t care anymore and I know that is not a good thing, and I know I need the help.

I am seeing it in my demeanor, my attitude towards my family, myself, my friends. I have been shutting myself off from everyone and I have become an asshole to those around me that truly do care about me and my well being. I'm becoming depressed and it truly sucks. 

I see that I am not the man I want or need to be. So next week I will make some calls and ask for the help I need. I need to go to meetings and I need to sit and talk about my issues. I need to get it out.

So I want to thank you in advance for being here for me as I deal with this and I want to say I am sorry if I have hurt you or said anything to you that may have hurt you. Please forgive me.  

Thank You

Chris

Keep Triing

Who are you?

Allot of people will not stop and think about who they are or how they got be where they are in life now. I do every day. I think allot about my past because it has made me into the person I am now. It has shaped me to become the hero I am to my children, the inspiration to those around me, and the man I am today. But most people don't know who I really am. Most people don't know what I have been through. Most people only see what I want them to see, and that is about to change. 

This sign is one I will make in my own version and I will always have it hung in the basement, shop, man cave where ever I will spend most of my time. 

I have seen things that most people will never see. I have watched my best friend Die, I held my girlfriend at 14 as she bleed out after being shot. I ran with some of the baddest gangs in my youth and I was able to get out and change. Most do not. Most are killed or beaten so badly that they will never say anything. Thankfully I escaped with my life but I lost allot too. I lost my youth, I lost my family, I lost my sanity as I was first so paranoid that everyone around me was out to kill me or hurt those I have loved. 

By the age of 15 I had turned to alcohol to cope, at 16 I turned to drugs to escape the reality, I had turned to a bad part in live to try and end it all. Over the next 2 years the depression came and went in waves. I would be feeling better and I would walk down the streets 4000 km's away and I would see someone that looked like my girlfriend or friend and I would fall right back into that. It really sucked. I never really went through the grieving process.

I moved home and I saw the guys I ran with, it was sad. Of the 30 or so guys in the gang over half were dead, the rest were hooked on the hardest of drugs, and only 4 or 5 walked away and never looked back. I realized that what I feared was nothing anymore. That was when I was 18. 

Now in my 30's I look at this sign and I think about those who lost their way and was never able to find themselves, to be saved, or even had a chance to become an adult. Do I think that if my life was the "Normal" typical movie family would I be sitting here now with my own kids, telling them about what not to do in life? No not at all. If I had a "Normal" life I wouldn't be helping the homeless or the ones in such great need. 

This is just a small part of my life. and when I say small part I mean about 1% One day I will write a book telling of my life, One day I will share my story in full, but right now I am still writing my chapters in my great book. But the main question is "who are you?" What made you the person you are today? What is your story? Share it, Tell it, Inspire others. 

Looking Back & Moving Forward

This picture here was after completing my first Half Marathon. The man on the left is my friend and Mentor Joe. I wish to one day do half the things he has done. He took me under his wing when I started out. He could have said No but he said that he saw something in me.

Maybe it was the fact that I couldn't (and still can't) say No. I get told I can't so something and it makes me want to do it ever more. So when I hurt my back 6 weeks before my first Half marathon I was devastated. I didn't think I would be able to do it. I rested and after a week and no relief I called my Dr. a week later I got in to see his son and he had told me that is was a deep tissue. I was told that doing the Half would be a bad Idea. He told me to rest and to take some Robax and I would be fine. 2 days after taking them I was walking upright. 3 days after that I was back to running.

With 3 weeks left I stepped up my running. I ran every day 6-10 km a day. Sundays were my long runs. in 2 weeks I went from running 0 km's to my longest run was 18.9 km with my daughter in tow. She rode her bike and was my pack mule (water bottle carrier) and held her own for the whole trip.

This day I ran. I was as ready as I was ever going to be. I knew I needed to just do it. I started running with Joe by my side. I ran 1 km, 3 km's 5 km's, 9 km's and Joe (who already ran the 5 km race that day) told me he would be waiting for me and took off. I ran and ran. I walked a bit and I ran. I hit the 15th km and I could feel myself crashing. I came around the corner and there was a crowd of cadets cheering so loud that they drowned out the music I had on for about 300 feet before and after their cheering station. That pumped me up. I dug deep and I ran.

By Km 19 I crashed. I hit that wall like a fully loaded Semi. I walked. I wished my wife was there. I wished so many things and then I wished to just get it done. That is when I saw Joe He got next to me and he ran with me. He had me running the last km at my fastest ever. I crossed that finish line and I tried to hold it together. I had my sunglasses in my hand and I made sure to put them on so no one could see me crying.

I was crying because I was so proud that I did something that I was once told not to do. I was proud because I could go home and show my kids and say "Hey kids look what daddy did!"

In 2013 I have done some awesome things like running my first Triathlon, and cycling allot but I just haven't had the success that I did when I was running before. So what does that mean? What is coming in the future? Well in 2013 I plan to will finish out the year strong, I plan to will do a 5 km race next weekend, I plan to will move into 2014 and be a bigger role model for those around me. I plan to will be the best person I can be.

2014 will be the year of ME!

There was a time I was a Champion in my own mind. 

Now it is time to become one again.  

~ ME

Why we are who we are.

Do you ever wonder why we do what we do?



Ever wonder what makes others happy? Well these guys right here are what makes me happy. They are my pride and joy, they keep me sober, they keep me going even thou I'm having a bad day, they are what makes me happy.

Next week marks 10 years of sobriety from drugs and it's because of them I did it. It's for them I do what I do.

We are already planning Christmas 2014.

When you think Christmas you think about spending time with your family, opening gifts on Christmas morning, doing the dinner thing. When I think about Christmas I think the same things but with a bit of a twist. Many years ago I was once homeless. At the age of 9 I was running away from the abusive foster homes and group homes I was in. I spent many cold nights squatting in places that only one would see in movies. I remember one Christmas I was in Winnipeg and we were squatting in a shack that they used for skaters on the river. We had someone come by and gave us a sandwich and some hot chocolate. It meant the world to me. I was 14

So this year I decided that after talking with the kids, we will be canceling Christmas next year. Well I shouldn't say canceling Christmas but changing up our normal traditions. Instead of sitting at home doing the gift exchange and dinner, we will be going into Ottawa and giving to the homeless. We want to do something like giving out warm soup, dry socks, coats and toiletries to the Homeless.

Why? Well I have never hid from my children the things I had to endure growing up. I told them that one year we should give back somehow. All of my kids have said yes to the idea years ago. This year all of my children are old enough to understand what we are doing and I said to them How about next year? They all said “Yes”.

We are going to get stuff gong in the New Year for this, and after talking to some friends things are taking off. It went from just our family to at-least 3 families who want to help out. I never realized how many people would think this was a good idea

We will get all the details together and share as we know them. So with that said we already have some coats donated, the offer of food made and yeah the ideas are rolling around in my head. I got to go write them all down. 

I hope that you have a great and enjoyable Sunday everyone.

Chris & family