Today's the day.

So I've mentions that I'll be meeting with a therapist. Well after months of dealing with this shit in my life I'm finally going to meet with a therapist. From what I've been told she is a pretty good Dr and an all around nice person. 

I'm a bit nervious about opening up and spill out for her to judge me. As odd as that sounds. I don't know where to start with her, I don't know what to say first, do I pack a bag now so that way my wife will not have to worry if they keep me forever?

I have so much going on right. Is that I've just thrown myself into training and planning the kids triathlon and I'm trying to focus on that to try and forget about my issues. I hope that they let me come home so I can continue to work on these things. 

I hope that I can get back to this guy who at one time. I liked being happy and full of energy. One day I will. 

Anyways I'm off to shower and meet my new therapies and hopefully come home and take my wife out for lunch. Here's to hoping to see you all on the flip side. I'll let you all know what happens. 

~Chris 

Don't let the fog swallow you.

Yesterday morning I was feeling great. I felt like I had a pep in my step. Made breakfast, had my coffee and I worked on reading my book. Than it hit me. I couldn't see anything. I lost sight of my motivation, my goals, my happiness.

It continued into last night and I didn't sleep well. I have been having a rough go with this and yesterday meeting with me Doctor didn't help. I just feel like I'm being swallowed by the Fog of Depression and it sucks.

I saw this post yesterday and it says everything that I feel. I don't feel as if this is draining me of everything but it is doing allot of damage because I can't figure it all out. I feel like one day my life will be better but I wonder how long it will take to get there? and what I am going to lose along the way?

I do know that no matter what just ,don't let the Fog swallow you. Keep dreaming, Keep pushing, Keep Triing.

WARNING: The following is a video from Five Finger Death Punch. It contains trigger warnings but it should be watched. by everyone. 

Chris

What has happened this week.

Hey everyone it is like 2 am as I write this post. I should be getting ready to go run a 5 km race at 10 am but I can't sleep. 

So this week I was feeling depressed about the way stuff in my life is going. I was not feeling suicidal but just depressed. So I called the mental crisis line and told them what was going on. They told me that maybe I should check into the hospital and I agreed. 

I went and I talked to a man there whom I opened up to and told him allot. I've never told people allot about my personal life and this was some deep shit I laid on this poor guy. After talking for over an hour we came up With a plan. 

I have a meeting next week with my family Dr to talk about my test results (that's another post) and my new theripist on Friday. We agreed that I should go home so I can make it to these appointments. 

Over the last 2 says I have been feeling pretty good. I've gotten a hair cut. 

I've gotten some new clothes. 

And now I've got a race to run. Guess I need to get so we sleep but it's hard as of today, but gotta do what you got to do. Night everyone and I'll let you all know how the race went. 

Tonight I almost slipped off the wagon.

Hi my name is Chris and I'm an alcoholic. 

As fun as tonight was, when we went for dinner I was looking at the pitchers of beer. I knew I wanted one and it was hard to say No. I did because I need to keep strong and in the right mindset. 

We go to at pool and I ask for an ice tea. That's all I drank tonight and they don't sell any. Ok my options are beer, beer, more beer, a small assortment of shots, or more beer. I ask if they have coffee? Nope. So I asked for water and went to play more pool. 

Was it hard? Damn rights it was hard. My wife sat and drank all night and I didn't. Did I make the right choice? I sure as hell hope so. Am I going to regret it in the morning? NOPE. 

I'm going to bed sober and not going to let my judgement be clouded by the feelings of booze. 

Oh and we tied at 3 games each. 

Bit of an Update.

So for the last few months I have been having some issues. As most of you know it really took allot of of me. Well allot of that is me. I have had allot of mood swings as of late. I could be happy go lucky one day and be depressed that night and it could last a few days. Then I’d wake up happy for a week and boom depressed again.

After not wanting to deal with this issues for awhile I finally came to the realization that I needed to find out what is going on. So I made an appointment with my doctor and that was the most awkward conversation I have ever had with any female person before. 

I had my wife there and when my Dr asked what was wrong I didn't know how to say that we are having some issues in the bedroom and were wondering if it is from my medication for my Tourette’s. So my wife lays it all out there that we need to figure it out. My Dr looks and said that some of my medication could cause my issues down there.

So after discussing options I have been sent for a full blood panel to check my testosterone and we will know back soon what the results are and if I will need to get treatments for low testosterone or not. I am worried thou as to what the side effects are going to be and how it will interfere with my training for my triathlon and other races this year.

She doesn’t want to take me off my meds as they seem to be working for the most part for my Tourette’s so we will see what we are going to do with that also.

And as for training for my Triathlon I will be starting to get back into the pool in the next few weeks. I am so excited that I saw the geese that mean I can start to ride the roads again on my bike. Until than I will run and work on my swimming.

Have a great week and I will start to keep everyone updated more.