How is it that we are able to stay so strong in the face of Adversity? Tragedy? Hardship? How is it that we are able to stay strong in the times of Mental distress? When we feel like we are at bottom? When we are alone?
Last week I started to dig around into my past and it has brought up allot of pain for me. Not allot of people know this but when I was younger I was put into foster care for years. During that time I was sexually abused many times, between 3 group homes and foster homes. I was young and didn’t know any better and did what I needed to do to be accepted. I never knew it was really wrong at the time. When I found out I felt dirty. I tried to hang myself because of the shame I felt.
When I finally felt the need to tell someone it was the wrong person, they also took advantage of me too. This happened for many years and when I was 13I finally told the right person. It was after I was gang raped by 4 boys in the group home. I told Armelle and she helped me, she got me in contact with the right people, she called the police, she helped me through allot.
I moved home and never felt like I belonged. I just shut down completely. I have never been the same since. I went to court and was preparing for trial but before we could get there 2 of the boys that were charged took full responsibility for it and were convicted. Armelle helped me get into counseling. I would talk to her all the time after I moved out of the group home. I remember calling her one day at work and was told that she was not going to be around anymore.
I got a call a few months later saying that she passed away. I was devastated, lost, empty, lost, confused and perplexed. I remembered the good times with Aremelle, like sitting there in the house watching the Blue Jays win the pendent both years, sitting there as she yelled profanities at the ump through the TV, I remember her putting up with us listening to Guns & Roses as loud as the ghetto blaster (boombox) we had would go. But I think the best memory I have was when we all thought it would be cool to be like the ninja turtles and we had cheese pizza and added PP&J and parmesan cheese to it, and when we puked so badly she just sat back and said “I told you so.”
I went to her funeral and that was the time I really felt anything. I was broken, I lost my best friend. No one really knew. Things just went on. School would continue, life would just be there. I was bounced between my mother and step-fathers places and one day I ran into one of the boys who attacked me on a regular basis. I had turned to drugs again at that point, I tried to commit suicide again, the pain of everything as getting so intense again.
I had to move away to get away from the pain. I just kept going. I kept moving. I never settled down. I would stay with my real dad for a few years; I would live on my own for a bit, with friends here or there, in the woods, on the streets, where ever I could go to get away from it. I have never dealt with the pain of what has happened to me when I was younger.
For the last 20 years I have just pushed it off to the side, run from it, not stop long enough to let it settle in. Last week it all came crashing down. I started to think about what happened. I started to research what options I had to sue the people who hurt me, the group homes, and child services. I got overwhelmed and have had a hard time since to just function.
I have gotten to the point as of late to just shut down, shut off and just shut out everyone and everything. I am going to take a break from social media and focus on getting me back to me and just focus on my training too. I will be shutting down my stuff but will be back when the time is right.
With that said I will see everyone on the other side of this rough patch. With much love, respect and trust I will see you all later.
Sincerely,
Chris.
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