I'm Alive.

Well last night I made some very stupid and rash decisions. I was sitting at the edge of the southernmost point of the island thinking if I jump will anyone miss me? Than I thought of my kids crying, wondering where their father was. I didn’t.

Instead I walked for hours. I walked over the tunnel that I ran over when I finished my Triathlon. It was something I never thought I would be able to do. I walked to the trail and remembered the cheers of other runners; I walked to the park where we had our first family outing when we moved here. I just walked. I walked so much and in such a daze that when I got home my shoes were so wet that they are still soaked this morning.

I get home and something just set me off again. I get changed and left again. This time I went and sat in Tim Horton’s and had a coffee and just tried to stop the thoughts of hate and self harm in my head. I messaged my dad and had some other friends talk to me to help me.

I went to the hospital and asked for help. To which I was told that if I wanted help I need to wait until the morning or should have been there before 11pm. No questions were asked just told to wait. I went to leave and saw an old friend.

We talked for about 20 minutes in the waiting room of the ER and I left. I called my wife and talked to her. I got home and just sat here trying to figure out why I am feeling like this. I went to bed with the idea of getting up and getting the help needed.

I feel like I don't really have anyone. I don't, I have no family, I have no one. My dad can talk to me but he is not even around. He is with his wife who has made a very good point that no matter what happens I am not welcome. My family is nowhere near me, I don't talk to my mother, brothers, and my other family is on the west coast and I can't do shit to be with them. I am just lost. 

The first thing I did was wake up roll over and grabbed the phone and called my Doctor. I then got up, made coffee and looked up the number for the mental health line and called. Now I am going to go talk to my doctor and ask for a referral and just come home and veg out listening to music and maybe write a story of how Icebergs are going to destroy mankind in 2731.

Yeah the mind of a fucked up man thinks about stories he can write to tell his kids or the world. Have a great week everyone.

Chris.